It’s been two months since my extraction from the molar pregnancy and the death of my grandfather. Two very fast months. Two months since my life would change forever. I think I might actually be able to write about it now. I am writing for my own healing, some of it is a little raw and real.
That fateful Monday morning I woke up very early to drive to the hospital, surprisingly I wasn’t very nervous. I was ready for this to be over with, this mass to be gone, and to feel normal again. I had grieved that there was no baby, just a mass, no baby, just a mass….. I wanted this over.
As I was being admitted, blood drawn, IV in place, I laid in the bed they gave me some meds. The Anesthesiologist told me I would feel like I’d had about 5 beers, loved that guy. They rolled me into the operating room and next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery area. It was done, that easy, I felt groggy but ok.
I had to wait at the hospital for a few hours until I was released to go home, DT drops me off and leaves to go get my pain meds from the pharmacy. Two hours later I am in pain and DT is no where to be found, I am calling him and he finally brings me my pain medicine, but by this point they had completely worn off and I was not feeling good at all. Needless to say he will never live this down, ha ha.
As I am sleeping on and off throughout the day, just resting in my drug induced state. DT calls and tells me not to answer the phone, what, who says that? He was gone again at that time, letting me rest, then he rushes home and tells me Pop-po had just had cardiac arrest and died…….
My first reaction was to be so mad, I don’t know if it was the meds that were causing this but words were spewing from my mouth, I was pissed, who did this, who let this happen, why, why, why? Why God, why?
Not Pop-po, he was doing great, healing, healthy, his heart was fine, he had several heart tests and everything checked out fine. I was mad at the doctors, at the nurses and everyone treating him. They dropped the ball, they let him down.
I know it wasn’t rational, but it was real.
Over the next two days I couldn’t cry, I blame the medicines for keeping it bottled up.
As soon as I stopped my pain meds, I felt better and better. Like me again, physically, well except for the 2 fresh holes in my heart.
I could eat again, I wasn’t nauseous and anxious. I could tell my numbers (HCG levels) were dropping daily and I felt like I could do this. I could move on, my body would be fine.
to be continued..
So much love to you. I can’t imagine what you have been going through.
I know how much it hurts…we had a miscarriage 5 years ago, and I was so numb at first, and then cried for 3 days.
Give yourself all the time you need…and I’m praying for you.
That was a horrible week. I’m glad you’re able to process it a bit now.
I am so sorry for your two losses. Praying for your continued healing, both physically and emotionally.
Those two holes will eventually fill up with something wonderful and will be nourished with memories and spirit. 🙂 hugs
So funny I was up in the middle of the night last night thinking of you and how I needed to check up on you. Prayers to you!!
Good grief, honey! I am SO sorry for you. I hope you can feel all the well wishes and good vibes I’m sending your way.
I can’t begin to understand how you must feel, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers that healing comes sooner rather than later.
I’m so sorry. I don’t have any words that will make you feel better, but just know you have been on my mind and I’m glad you are able to formulate your thoughts on your blog and share how you feel. I do think it’s a way of healing.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I had no idea you had lost your grandfather, too. That’s just awful. But you should be proud of yourself for writing this blog and the future ones. It takes a lot of courage to share such heartache, not to mention to confront it. I wish you all the best moving forward.
What a traumatizing two months it has been for you. I’m so sorry for both your losses.
I admire your courage and strength to put your feelings into words…that alone is part of the grieving process and will ultimately help you to heal completely.
I hope writing about it will ease the pain and help with the healing.
My heart goes out to you–loss is never easy and takes time to process. Praying that sharing your story and feelings gives you some comfort. Hugs and prayers to you.
So sorry for your losses. I hope your writings speed your healing.