Continued from Post Molar Pregnancy
..I struggle as I try to figure out the lesson behind this all. What am I supposed to learn from this? Why did God test me like this?
During Pop-po’s funeral services, I was utterly astounded by the love and support from so many that loved my dear Pop-po and us. The masses of people and familiar faces, almost seem a blur to me now. Granny with her sweet and solemn face, as she consoled those around her, not shedding a single tear.
But what I cherished most was spending lots and lots of time with my family, loving, hugging, crying, sharing stories, looking through pictures and eating. The food, oh the food. Is it bad to love funeral food that much? Let me just tell you the people in our community know how to send some delicious food. It could be that because of my hormones (HCG) from my pregnancy were decreasing that I was actually able to enjoy food again and lots of it.
Why don’t we do more of that when there’s not sadness, but joy? Sometimes I wonder if Pop-po’s death was to bring our family back together, to show us how we should live with dignity, love, and laughter. Just like Pop-po. That I can understand. That I can wrap my brain around.
But this molar pregnancy, I just don’t get. My mom says I am so healthy that even a unhealthy pregnancy survived in me. I think that might be her nice way of saying I am a healthy plump girl. Either way, it does kind of make me feel better. I am still searching for God’s lesson. And truthfully some days I don’t think about it.
But it’s hard not to think about it when just about everyone I know is either pregnant, trying, about to, or just had a baby. While I sit in limbo, just waiting for my numbers to be zero. They are really close and once they hit zero for 6 months straight I am in the clear. The clear to try again, or not. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe I am done, maybe 2 is enough for me.
I guess only time will tell, and it’s all about healing. These next 6 months I am really going to focus on MY health, getting healthy, exercising more, eating less, and feeling good about myself and feeling good in my skin.
How did you heal from a loss, pregnancy complications or just a sadness in your life? Please share your stories with me.
This post is listed @ The Gypsy Mama
I wish I had some wise words for you. I just don’t.
I’m so sorry this happened, and I’ll be praying for peace and comfortand good health for you. Hugs.
I am so sorry you’re having to go through all of this. The questions it is causing you to ask though, may show you more about yourself and your beliefs than you knew before, so maybe that is one of the positive things to come out of this? Dont’ know… just throwing a thought there.
And, I’m not pregnant, I haven’t been pregnant, and I don’t plan on being pregnant anytime soon (not trying or anything). So there’s 1 person in that category at least!
10 years ago my Dr. sent me up on my 25th birthday to get an ultrasound of our first baby. She said seeing our baby would ease my mind and be the ultimate birthday present. What I got was a black screen and a tech that said I either had miscarried or would. I went on my way, bewildered. Weeks later we discovered it was a molar pregnancy. My father-in-law went in for open heart surgery one day and I had my surgery the next. His surgery didn’t go well and my molar pregnancy returned. I needed chemo to get rid of it. I went through that while trying to finish my Master’s degree for four months. The week before my last treatment my father-in-law died. We were devastated. Since then we’ve had two energetic kids, a boy and a girl. Two months after our daughter was born my son was diagnosed with autism. We have little family support. My mom and dad divorced while I was pregnant with my daughter and she “orphaned” my sis and I. So I felt as though I had no one to turn to and no one to help. All that and so many more negative things have happened to me and I question why from time to time. Some of us suffer more than others. I know I don’t have it the worst by far. You cannot spend your time asking why God has this in your plan. You’ll drive yourself crazy and still have no answers. You’ll only truly know when it’s your turn to meet him at the gates. It hurts, but you must go on and live and cherish what you have and hope for more. I treasure what I have so much more because I’ve struggled. I don’t take anything for granted because it can be gone. This is what I have learned. I’m not sure if it helps you or not. There is little comfort to give, but just go on and enjoy your boys and your loving husband until those numbers are down to zero. Thank you for sharing your story, it was good to hear from someone else what it’s like for them.
Honestly, there’s nothing that makes you feel better. Not much that people can say will help. The only thing that made me feel somewhat better is that I talked to other people that went through the same thing I did. I haven’t had a molar pregnancy but I have had at least 3 early miscarriages. I’m sorry that you not only had to deal with a pregnancy loss but the loss of a loved as well.
After each of my losses I knew I couldn’t just sit and think about my grief I had to do something else to keep my mind off it. I’ve thrown myself into helping others and do whatever I can for others. It makes me feel like some good did come of what happened. That because I’ve had loss, there are others that have been helped by me.
I don’t know how to think there was a reason for such a loss but instead I try and think of all the good things that I have in my life. A good husband, a good job, good friends, I have so much to be thankful for.
I’m not sure if any of that helped but like I said, sometimes it’s good just to know that you aren’t alone. 🙂
@Tara @ Feels Like Home, Thank you Tara!
@Jessika, Your right, I am learning more about myself, and finding strength through writing. Thanks for adding your self to the non-preggo list, lol!!
@danielle, Danielle, thanks again for sharing your story, you are one of the few people I have been in contact with that had a MP. I love your success story and your so strong for all you’ve been through. I hope your chicks are doing well.
@Merissa, Your so right, talking and writing about this all is really really helping with my healing, I feel like it’s out there no hiding, no shame, it just is. It’s hard to expose my feelings, but each time I do I am happy I did. It brings me closer to family and friends and I love hearing there stories I might not have ever known if not asked. Also focusing the grief to something positive is genius, so glad that your doing well. I wish you the best and thanks so much for commenting today.
I agree with the previous comments. There might not be anything you can do to feel better. Time will ease it, but little things in the future will remind you. When I miscarried 5 years ago…I didn’t really have the courage to write down any of my thoughts for another 1.5 years. I cried a waterfall, but I felt better afterwards, and havem’t cried since. Instead, I smile when I think about our little soul in heaven. I bought a Christmas ornament with the baby’s birthstone, and it hangs in my bathroom, so I see it every day, and it’s not a sad reminder, but a happy thought instead. I truly believe God’s plan was to help me relate to other couples who had lost a baby…because I can say, “I know how you feel,” and really mean it. God bless you, and just do what you can. God will take care of the rest. 🙂
@Sweet Pea, Thanks:) I’m glad you are feeling better after you’ve talked to friends and family. I did too after finally talking to family about what was going on. I was worried about comments I would get but they were very supportive and it was very helpful!
thanks for those kind words. not sure about strength, just surviving. those chicks are now 3 beautiful roos and a pullet. two crow like crazy!
i enjoy your stories, hope you’ll keep healing and sharing
First of all I’m Polish, so enjoying food at funerals… as well as the conversation is second nature. 🙂
As for healing… I used to dwell. It would make me physically ill. I’d think something to death over and over imagining what if scenarios. Now? Now I realize that (for me anyhow) it’s more healthy to live and learn, appreciate what’s come (and gone) and to understand that nothing good or bad last forever. I also take comfort in ironies that come along with situations, and also I try and be mindful and pay attention to the little things. With this mindfulness I realize that what was causing me grief isn’t what it’s all about… it’s about enjoying what is here in the present.
Watch your children sleep tonight. Be mindful of their sound, their little chests rising, their eyelids fluttering, the little snores and movements they make, how their little cheeks pink up. Those few minutes of having your mind focus on something happy will show you that you can experience saddness without letting it consume any part of your day. You will find that you can go to a happy place when you are feeling low and get your mind off grief. You will heal in time.
After I lost my first baby (at 6 days old), I was allowed to grieve for a few months, then some of my family told me I shouldn’t talk about it anymore, that it made others feel bad. So I stopped talking about it. Meanwhile, I grew more angry at God, for allowing all of this to happen – I had post-pregnancy complications too, just different than yours, although mine did require medical intervention. I eventually convinced myself that God didn’t exist.
Many years later I was pregnant again. I was VERY scared, because not only did I have complications with my first pregnancy, I was much older, so that increased the risk of pre-eclampsia even more.
Because of my earlier pregnancy complications, I was watched closely. It turns out that because I was watched so closely, a nurse caught onto the fact that things weren’t right, and forced the dr to come to the L&D (this nurse was my coworker, so that’s how I know all this – she told me everything much later, which will circle around later in this story).
My son was born with a rare genetic defect, but the drs thought they might be able to treat him until he grew enough to receive my kidney. So I spent a lot of time traveling to the hospital, while also working to keep up the insurance. While driving, my mind often thought about praying, but I thought that would be hypocritical, since many years earlier I “rationalized” that God didn’t exist. I kept circling around with this, did He exist and maybe I didn’t handle things well (maybe because I wasn’t allowed to talk about my grief back then). Well maybe I’ll try praying and apologize.
While I was thinking about all this, I look up and saw a billboard: God Listens. Well that certainly caught my attention! Later, I was reading the bible, because I don’t like to believe what others tell me without learning it myself. When I read Job, it finally made sense to me, at least how I personally interpreted Job.
My son’s condition was so complex that even minor complications could easily become life-threatening. We had many scares, but in between there was lots of quality time, like being able to hold him (I wasn’t allowed to hold my first son), seeing him smile, playing lullabies while singing along – hitting the notes just right to vibrate, which made him smile really big ^_^
Eventually a complication turned big, and despite many heroic efforts, they weren’t able to overcome. Of course I grieved, and could barely eat for a while. But looking back, my grief wasn’t nearly as bad as with the loss of my first son. I had the internet, so I could “talk” with others who had lost, unlike with my first loss. And instead of being angry and denying God, I was back with Him.
Many months after my second son passed, my coworker — the nurse that called in the dr while I was being checked in L&D — told me that the dr originally didn’t want to come in, that she thought it was something that could just be monitored. But my coworker argued and insisted that something just wasn’t right about how little he was responding while inside me, despite her efforts to stimulate him.
The kidney complication he had caused protein to be lost via his kidneys, which caused extra protein in the uterus to overfeed my uterus, making it extra thick. That would explain why I looked 10 months pregnant, even though I was about 7.5 months along. And tt was slowly squishing him. He was barely responsive when they removed him from me during c/section. But once he was stabilized, he perked up according to the drs (well until his bad kidneys started making him swell a few days later).
My coworker said she’s often wondered if maybe things would have been better for me had she not insisted the dr come in to check on me. I told her NO! Even though we went through lots of minor surgeries, he didn’t show pain symptoms (I also did pedi’s and healthy newborns occasionally at work, so I knew what to watch for, and watched like a hawk!) He got lots of hugs and kisses, foot and back rubs, he got to watch cartoons, and even got to punch a dr in the eye! I wouldn’t have those memories had she not called the dr in!
My son’s father left soon after he passed. I met a great man a few years later, who caught mumps as a young adult, and was diagnosed as 99% sterile. Yet I still became pregnant a few years after we married. I broke down crying at the drs office, and cried when I told my husband over the phone. We both were so scared, due to my previous losses, pregnancy complications, and my age. A little while later, the ob found nothing in the ultrasound, an empty sac. I felt relief, then felt guilty for feeling that. Then when I told my husband, he too said he felt relieved (mixed in with a bit of disappointment and grief too). He then said it was a blessing in disguise. Not everyone would agree, but after all I’d been through, I thought so too.
If you become pregnant again, you’ll be scared until you’re far enough along for an ultrasound. Give your body, and your soul time to heal.
BIG HUGS!
@Shreela, God bless you. Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story, I can only imagine the pain and loss you went through, mine does not compare. So glad you found God again and a great husband, many blessings to you!!
Actually, I guess like I handle most difficult situations… with no plan at all other than to take it as it comes, one day at a time, one moment at a time, and try not to get ahead of myself.